Friday, September 2, 2011

Why I Was Tired of Riffing on The Middle

Let's face it, The Middle sucks. It has the most irritating parts of sitcoms from the 90's and 2000's, what with characters made specifically for mugging at the camera, slapstick comedy so bad I almost expected a cane to appear from the side of the screen and pull the actors right out of the shot, jokes so unoriginal and unfunny you begin to miss the fact that the show is designed to entertain, not to demonstrate how to make jokes that make Seltzer and Friedberg's movies look like Spaceballs and Airplane!, and somehow they managed to make two seasoned sitcom veterans the most boring and flat characters in recent TV history, and it takes a special kind of talent to do that.

But after all the fun that I had pointing out why The Middle sucked, I saw that many things had come to an end. I cancelled my subscription to DirecTV, and now my only chance to riff on The Middle is through Netflix. But overall, I just got tired of The Middle. It's not only the worst sitcom in history, but it's also one of the most boring ones I've seen, too! You know how a joke is best the first time you hear it? Well, nobody gave that tip from Comedy 101 to The Middle's writers, because I might have heard Brick's whispering to himself "I'm lying" a billion freaking times now, and it was only funny the first time it happened.

The same can't be said for Sue and Axl's characters, as one always says "I'm so much better than you/you're ruining my life", and the other's only joke is that she's so unpopular that even the kids from Glee would give her a slushie in the face. And let's face it, were any of those stereotypes funny in the 80's? No? Well, they are not funny now!

And GOD ALMIGHTY, was it a mistake to cast Chris Kattan as a supporting actor. There aren't many times when I would punch a comedian in the face for not being funny (I'd even give Dane Cook a couple of free passes), but if there's an exception it's Chris Kattan, and I'd serve my jail time with my scary inmate asking what I was doing time for, with me answering that with "I punched Chris Kattan in the face", and then the inmate would respond to that with a fist bump, and- I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Another problem I have with The Middle is bringing back their "hilarious" characters, from Reverend Rollie Pollie Ollie or whatever the hell he went by, to Brad, a gay stereotype that even Kurt from Glee would want to step in and say, "wow, you're a little over-the-top here".

This guy isn't effeminate at all compared to Brad.

Which brings me to the next part here, why are The Middle's fans so... ignorant?! They are actually begging for more Brad, Reverend Ping Pong, and that foreign exchange student from Season Two who was so boring that Ben Stein would fall asleep to his performance! How would it make sense to bring back the Korean guy? Why do people like Reverend Squiggly Wiggly at all? Why do people think Brad is a totally unoffensive depiction of the LGBT community? I've gotten so tired of dealing with these unbelievably whiny fangirls who take so much offense as to ban me from message boards if I try to talk about my opinion. What the hell happened to freedom of speech, guys?

The Middle got irritating to focus on. The way it's gotten so much love from this stupid culture, the way it's being called the best thing ever while shows like Happy Endings and Community barely get any publicity. What a stupid, stupid, stupid world we live in, guys. Almost everyone's entertained by everything nowadays. It just goes to show why Vampires Suck made a lot of money.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Captain Obvious Posts: Five Things I've Gathered From Uncharted 3's Demos

As some of you fans may know (this dating back to the days I was posting my blog on Facebook, silly me), I love the Uncharted series about as much as your average PS3 fanboy does. I'm extremely excited for the upcoming early access multiplayer from Subway, and even more excited for the retail release I will be buying the minute that the store opens. I played the crap out of the beta, loved it, and I've been keeping a close eye on any Uncharted news and updates.

There have been three demos that we have seen, on Jimmy Fallon, at E3, and at Gamescom. All of these demos are excellent, and I hope that, in about a month or so, they release a PS Store demo that will let us play these three levels. But there have been a few things I couldn't help but notice from all of the demos. And I'm counting them down today.

5. The triangle button may have returned to melee, and for the better.


Look at all of the hand-to-hand combat kills from all of the demos. There aren't as many as I'd like there to be, but from everything we've seen, I can only assume the triangle button returns. Oh, I remember mashing the square and triangle buttons in Drake's Fortune. That was a pain in the crack to do, because the timing was always off. But Naughty Dog can learn from their mistakes, and I think they may be trying it again.

Look at how Drake can choose to send a guy flying with his punches, or grab his AK-47 and then crack his head open with it. These things can't be random, because if they are, then you'll be grabbing long guns you don't want, like the AK-47 when you have a shotgun full of shells. For this to work out perfectly, you'd have to press the triangle button at a specific time when you want a baddie's gun. How about grabbing things from the environment, like chairs or bottles from the inevitable bar brawl? Or even pulling the pin off a guy's grenade, as seen in the E3 demo. Is that just a basic combat move for Drake now? I mean, he's always fought dirty, but...

So that's why I think the square and triangle combos are making a return, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. Bringing triangle into melee makes it great, just like inFAMOUS 2's Amp attacks. As long as ND learned from their mistakes in Drake's Fortune and the combos are easier to pull off, it'll be perfected melee, and considering this may be the last Uncharted game on the PS3, if not ever, that's what we want. The variety in melee from Drake's Fortune, with the ease and playability of Among Thieves.

4, They love showing off the unique levels, at least.


The three demos shown have been the Chateau, set in an old mansion that's set on fire, the Cruise Ship, which is on a boat that starts to capsize in the middle of your carnage, and the Airfield, where it appears you need to be really stealthy (Nate's using a silenced pistol on a guy, so we can only assume the first two-thirds of the level involves stealth gameplay) before chasing down a large cargo plane while being shot at by several thugs. These definitely aren't just shootouts like Drake's Fortune, these are taking place in the middle of a much more hazardous environment.

What would you have liked to see more in Uncharted 2's demos, the kind where you're gunfighting on the streets of Nepal, or the kind where you're fighting inside a collapsing building? Audiences want something unique, and innovative. And that's just what Uncharted brings to the table. We can only hope that these are not the only three levels with special qualities and perks in Uncharted 3, but it's Naughty Dog. They will triumph in the end.

3. Maybe they are being a little safe this time, and going with some of Among Thieves' formula.


If I'm guessing correctly, the Airfield level will be mostly stealth, followed by a fast-paced chase scene while you're being shot at, and you can't afford to shoot back. Uncharted 2's "Breaking and Entering" tutorial much? Let's not forget that it also ends with a Captain America: The First Avenger-style scene (protagonist jumps off a car and grabs onto landing gear for dear life as it's being taken into the plane, and he watches the car getting smaller and smaller as the plane increases altitude) where Drake jumps off a jeep and onto the plane, while he and Elena even joke about having done this before. Of course, they are mentioning the epic train level from Among Thieves. And apparently, as he's on the plane, it gets more and more like the train battle, involving a big-time fisticuffs battle with a hulk of a man, and apparently the plane explodes and he'll somehow survive.

So maybe Naughty Dog is being a little safe here. That's alright, because we're still at least getting different levels of sorts. But to me, the levels were almost instantly recognizable.

2. Climbing appears to be a lot easier than Among Thieves.


In Uncharted 2, I always got stuck on walls for no reason, leading to frustrations upon frustrations. Here, it seems that the climbing has gotten easier than ever, and it's the good kind of easy. It's the kind of easy that proves the gameplay and levels have been polished to the point of infinite replayability compared to Among Thieves, which still has a ton of missions worth playing over and over again.

1. Drake has really hit the gym.


The Uncharted 3 beta had a noticeable change from Uncharted 2's multiplayer. The jumping was very, very different. My guess is that Drake's packed on a few pounds from muscle. Think about it, weightlifters aren't the fastest kinds of people. In Drake's Fortune, Nate was really, really thin, and he moved very fast during action sequences. In Uncharted 2, he's slightly slower, and his punches are far more powerful. In Uncharted 3, he is a little bit slower, and it appears that he has slightly less endurance as he chases after the cargo plane, taking what must be a few hours to catch his breath after boarding the plane.

On top of that, his punches are now powerful enough to literally send his foes flying.

FALCON PUNCH!
I took Taekwondo for a couple of years. I was great at sparring, the most vital part of martial arts training. Never could I punch someone so hard they literally flew with a backwards-bent back over a coffee table. You need to be very, very strong to pull that off. And here is Drake, doing just that.

How about, in that same level, getting his foot stuck in some floorboards that SULLY could walk on without collapsing any wood? Clearly, Drake has gained some weight, and it's likely that it's from muscle. That explains why he's slower, why his melee attacks are shorter, why he jumps like that, why it took him a couple of hours to catch his breath after running after that cargo plane, how he can manage to fight multiple thugs at a time, and, how he was able to take this cartoon of a weightlifter out.


Friggin' enormous, I gotta tell you. 2007 Drake could never take that guy out.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

Hi guys. Remember me? I'm the JERK who uses ALL CAPS and makes fun of The Middle? I haven't made a post in many, many, many months. For that I apologize, that's just inexcusable.

Well, I've decided to end my little unannounced hiatus to come back from the dead and make fun of stuff again. Now, unfortunately, the economy has gotten to the point of suckage where I had to give up satellite and cable TV, meaning that, because it doesn't even air episodes on Hulu or ABC.com, there will be no more riffs of The Middle.

Yeah, that really sucks, in my opinion. I loved making fun of that awful show. I'm going to miss it.


As for why I was absent, well, I was kinda pursuing this girl I was interested in. Needless to say, it took place over the span of about five months, and, uh... well, it was actually three months. Let's just say it took a while to clean the pepper spray out of my eyes. It may have actually been a good thing I went on hiatus, because if I tried to blog while I had a coating of capsaicin over my eyes, I probably would have made the FireBlog look like Wiz Khalifa's Twitter feed.

What.

But now, I'm completely fine. And I made a new website, too. Since Facebook won't let me write Notes anymore, and ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com is for hipsters (translation: I forgot my password), I decided to finally go on blogger.com. Any episodes of The Middle I may riff on in the future would be Season One episodes, but don't hold your breath for that. Most of the stuff I'll be looking at won't be The Middle-related. I'm still trying to work on my riff of The Point!, so there's still that, at least. See you then.